Saturday, August 16, 2008

SAHM Banned From Local Foodlion Due to Blonde Moment

SAHM Banned From Local Foodlion Due to Blonde Moment
August 14, 2008. Stay at home mom (SAHM) Bethany Euglow was banned from Timberville Foodlion. It all started when Mrs. Euglow entered the store with her three sons, William “Renegade Doodle”, James “Scooter” and Jeremy “Smarty Pants”. James the youngest of the three brothers just joined the gang after completing his initiation. Young James was forced to tear out his mothers pots and destroy the spice cabinets. What is going on in the minds of today’s youth. Luckily the gang’s mascots, Hershey “The Growler” and Sir Sniffer “Spoiled Pup” Chase were left at home. Every thing was going fine, the three boys passed the “Lays” potato chip display without a whine, and Mrs. Euglow headed for the Deli. After waiting quietly for 45 seconds at the Deli counter as a young girl slowly sliced the roast beef their mother had ordered the boys decided it was time to take action, and speed things up. “Smarty Pants” the only one of the 3 boys outside the cart looks around for something and spies the lettuce. Having been through this numerous times, his mother knew what was about to go down, and screams “no” as he races toward the lettuce “Renegade Doodle” cheers him on and “Scooter” claps with excitement as “Smarty Pants” drops one head of lettuce on the floor and begins kicking it as if it were a soccer ball. The girl behind the deli counter eyes the young boy in horror, and begins slicing faster. Mrs. Euglow chases her son through the produce department they pass the grapes, one of “Smarty Pants” weaknesses and he stops, but not for long. He reaches out his hand complete with sticky fingers grabs a bunch of grapes, and begins eating them. At this Mrs. Euglow’s face becomes flushed with rage and she begins shouting, drawing a great deal of attention to herself. Not knowing what else to do Mrs. Euglow remembers there is gum in her purse and she pulls out a piece, “Smarty Pants” stops dead in his tracks and returns to the cart. This would have been enough to make most mothers call it a day, but not Mrs. Euglow, her nerves are made of Xanax and various other legal narcotics, so she straightens her hair smiles and picks the roast beef up at the Deli. Determined to continue shopping Mrs. Euglow places two bundles of bananas in the cart and moves on to pasta aisle. “Renegade Doodles” escapes from the cart bananas in hand as his mother is trying to decide if she should buy Lipton or Rice a Roni. “Smarty Pants” joins “Renegade Doodle” in a game of tag up and down the aisle. Mrs. Euglow threw 6 boxes of Rice a Roni in the cart, counted to ten twice then headed after the boys. According to 18 year old assistant manger Steve Whogivesashit this is when he gave his first warning to Mrs. Euglow advising if such disruption continued she and her gang would need to leave the store. Mr. Whogivesashit states that Mrs. Euglow responded with what seemed to be a heartfelt apology, followed by laughter. What was amusing her so much is what inquiring minds would like to know. Was it the unruly behavior of her young gang members or the lack of manliness in young Steve’s voice? Mrs. Euglow was seen giving the young boys a serious talk. Threats were included, the boys mother threatened to put the chips back if behavior did not improve. She informed the boys that chips were not a necessity and they could live without them, looks of disbelief spread across their young faces, and “Smarty Pants” said “don’t tell me that crap”. “Renegade Doodle” hung is head in defeat as he was placed back in the cart. “Scooter” knew it was his turn, and he must out do his fellow counterparts, but how he wondered I can’t even walk yet. Thinking that things couldn’t possibly get worse, Mrs. Euglow pushes the cart towards the Frozen Food section, hoping to find some mixed veggies and a bag of parenting skills. “Scooter” notices his mother back is turned and takes advantage of this opportunity. He tears open a box of Chicken Rice a Roni, and shakes the box while laughing hysterically. “Renegade Doodle” and “Smarty Pants” know that they are about to win the war when they see their mother take several deep breaths and begin tapping her foot. “Renegade Doodle” begins yelling “Let me out!!” at the top of his lungs “Smarty Pants” is singing “Who let the dogs out” adding barking sounds whenever he feels necessary. After having witnessed theses events on the security cameras Mr. Whogivesashit approaches Mrs. Euglow once more, this time accompanied by the store manager 35 year old Mike Shouldawenttocollege. The two men politely ask Mrs. Euglow to leave the store, she agrees, but the boys aren’t going down with out a fight. Mrs. Euglow get’s “Renegade Doodle” out of the cart, and picks “Scooter” up out of the back “Smarty Pants” calls the two men “stupid shit heads” and “Renegade Doodle” gets in one good kick, hitting Mr. Shouldawenttocollege in the shin. When asked why she brought the gang into the store Mrs. Euglow, replied “I don’t know what I was thinking, guess I had a blonde moment”.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

We totally need to go to the grocery store together!! Imagine how much fun it would be shopping with absolutely no on else in the aisles to get in your way! And those who stayed would be moms of kids like ours so they would probably have a ball too! You rule!!