Thursday, September 25, 2008

The X Mom Has Lost IT...

Most Recent Vacation

On the night of September 13th members of The X Mom gang were overheard talking in their secret tongue, Bubble Bath Babble. The X Mom suspected that they were planning her next trip to the Islands of Crazy, these trips are always last minute but never really a surprise. Her alarm clock was set for 8:00 AM on Sunday the 14th, but she was awakened by a smack in the face from young Scooter at 5:07 AM. She thought to herself, “yep definitely taking a trip today”. Scooter would not go back to sleep and was joined by the rest of the gang around 6:00 AM. The X Mom deciding to make the best of an early start, gathered up some laundry and headed to the basement to start a load. The gang acted fast while she was gone, helping themselves to very large bowls of cereal. When their mother entered the kitchen she was shocked, but not by all the cereal on the counter, the large amounts of milk on the floor, or Renegade Doodles licking the milk up off the floor pretending to be a dog of course while nakey. What shocked her was that the boys chose unsweetened cheerios instead of the Coco Crunchies they had insisted on during the last grocery trip. She cleaned up the mess and put the gang in the living room and headed for the shower. When she stepped out of the shower all she could hear was silence, which all moms know silence is never good. She dressed quickly and came out into the living room only to find three very sweet boys watching TV just as she had left them. Hmmm she thought there must be a mess somewhere, but there was none. Oh no she thought they are saving their energy for something big. The X Mom reports that the boys began driving her to the Islands around noon, this time Hershey “The Growler” and Sniffer “Spoiled Pup” Chase were recruited by the gang for entertainment. Her trip began with the usual, a few rounds of “Let’s Get Nakey” “Poo Poo Patties”, followed by Sniffer’s favorite “ Taste of Victoria”. For those of you who are unfamiliar with “Taste of Victoria” playing is easy, just grab your best Victoria’s Secret bra, particularly the one that makes your breast look like they did before you had and breastfed your babies; hand it to your dog and let him chew it up. The X Mom gang became bored with these games around 4 P.M and decided it was time to play “No Me Not”, we asked The X Mom to explain how this game works, but she informed us that was not necessary all SAHM’s are experts and play several rounds daily. It was after round five of “No Me Not” when The X Mom realized they had passed the exit to Crazy and she was now going to end up visiting The Bridge of Insanity instead.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Underage Posession and Distribution

At approximately 8 p.m. on the night of September, 7 known member of The X Mom gang Renegade Doodle was caught by Parental Authorities (PA) and charged with Underage Possession and Distribution of Carpet Fresh. Renegade Doodle was tried in Parental Court immediately. He plead guilty. His exact words were " My fault. I sorry. I clean up." PA's could not agree on the sentencing for such a crime. The female PA felt that all charges should be dropped because Renegade Doodle did apologize and it was she who left the Carpet Fresh out on the counter. The male PA felt that Renegade Doodle knew that he was doing wrong and should be given lights out early. After several minutes of discussion, the female PA won, which isn't surprising, and all charges were dropped against Renegade Doodle.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Letter to Renegade Doodle

Dearest Renegade Doodle,
As I was rocking you back to sleep around two o’clock this morning, I was brought to tears as I realized how much you have grown since you were born nearly three years ago. You’ve gotten taller, your fat baby legs have gone away, and you’ve developed quite a personality. Sometimes you behave in ways only I can understand, and you do things that cause me to see horns instead of a halo, but what fun would my day be if you didn’t. You force me to laugh with your cute sayings and smiling face when I’d rather cry. It wasn’t until this morning that I noticed how with each passing day you want to be held less and less. I must face the fact that you are getting older, and becoming a big boy. It is hard for me to let go of your hand as we walk up the steps, but you no longer need it. Putting you on the bus for school was very emotional for me. I didn’t want to let you go. A part me feels cheated because you had to start school so young, I wanted you at home all day for five years not three. Selfish I know, but every mother is when it comes to time with her babies. I hope that I am able to continue letting go when I need to, no matter how much I want to hold on. You make it clear to me several times a day that you want to be independent, I hope that desire continues to grow stronger. Our relationship will surely change as the years go by, and you will no longer want me to be as involved as I would like, but please my Renegade Doodle remember that I love you and will no matter what path you choose to follow in life; and I will always be glad that you are one of the gang.

Monday, September 8, 2008

"Where's Your Pee Pee"

The oldest member of The X Mom gang, “Smarty Pants” accidentally saw his mother just as she was getting out of the shower. Mrs. Euglow told “Smarty Pants” to leave the bathroom and she would be out in a minute. He left the room, but continued to peek without his mother seeing him. When Mrs. Euglow was finished getting dressed she walked over to her bed and sat down beside Smarty Pants. Smarty Pants looked at his mother and giggled. “What’s so funny?” asked his mother. He replies with “Where’s your Pee Pee?” His mother points to the TV and says “right there” thinking she misunderstood what Smarty Pants said. Smarty Pants then says “that not a pee pee.” This time his mother clearly understands what he his referring to and decided to keep things simple and replies “ I don’t have a pee pee.” Instead of asking why Smarty Pants asks “Did it hurt” sighing with relief, thinking the subject has changed to a bruise on her leg or something his mother asks “Did what hurt?” “Did hurt when cut it off?” was Smarty Pants next sentence.

Solitary Confinement

Renegade Doodle was given three minutes of solitary confinement for climbing on the table in his LSES cell. The head guard Mrs. Best Teacher told Renegade Doodle to get off the table, he listened but climbed on it again as soon as her back was turned. It was written in Renegade Doodles communication log that today he showed an entirely different side of himself. His mother, Bethany Euglow a.k.a The X Mom was tempted to write “I told you so” in response, but decided it would be best if she didn’t. This would however have been a very fitting comment. Mrs. Best Teacher as well as other officials at LSES had been warned of Renegade Doodle’s defiant behaviors. Mrs. Euglow’s warnings were met with disbelief. When asked how she felt about Renegade Doodle’s time in solitaire her response was “ I have to admit a part of me was ecstatic that he is finally comfortable enough to misbehave.” " I just hope he doesn't get too comfortable, too much comfort often results in nakey."

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Joy Ride Ends with Hit and Run

Early on the evening of September 4, 2008 two members of The X Mom gang, Renegade Doodle and Scooter, were seen joy riding around the yard in their John Deere Gator. According to witnesses Renegade Doodle was behind the wheel when the Gator crashed into a rose bush, belonging to their Grandma. Renegade Doodle fled the scene before Parental Authorities (PA) could arrive. Scooter who was belted in the Gator, was arrested by PA at the scene. Renegade Doodle was later found underneath the porch steps, nakey. He was charged with a Hit and Run Accident (HRA) and indecent exposure (IE). This will be Renegade Doodle’s first time being charged with a HRA, but he has had numerous IE charges and will be considered a habitual offender at this point. In exchange for his help in locating Renegade Doodle no charges were pressed against Scooter. All charges were dropped, after Grandma refused to testify against Renegade Doodle, commenting later that she felt PA were to blame.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Summer on The Islands

The X Mom, Bethany Euglow was recently interviewed about her summer at home with the gang. She told interviewers that most of her summer was spent vacationing on the Islands of Crazy along with her closest SAHM pals. Mrs. Euglow informed reporters that her past times while visiting the islands were games inspired by the gang. “Let’s Get Nakey”, “Hide the Shoe” and “Find the Poopy Diaper” are some her favorites. When she wasn’t busy playing games she would enjoy some aroma therapy relaxation in the “Laundry Room Spa” or taking classes offered in Culinary Arts. Often vacations to the islands are covered by insurance companies providing visitors with access to Xanax, and one on one therapy. In order to return from Crazy several shots are required. The list is as follows two shots of Jose’ Cuervo, three shots Captain Morgan. Shot schedule must be repeated weekly. When asked what the best route to get the islands was Mrs. Euglow replied “ask the gang, they usually drive me”.

**This one needs some fine tuning, but figured I'd go ahead and post**

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Oldest Members of The X Mom Gang Sentenced to 13 Years in the Virginia Department of Education LSES Unit.

August 26th was a judgment day for the oldest members of The X Mom’s gang. Jeremy “Smarty Pants” and William “Renegade Doodle” were forced to begin serving their 13 yr sentence at LSES. LSES will release the gang members in the afternoons, however they will remain under adult supervision and will not be allowed to leave the outdoor play area unless accompanied by responsible adult. It is stipulated in their sentence agreements that they must complete thirty minutes of paperwork after returning home. This stipulation did not go over well, but it was pointed out to Smarty Pants and Renegade Doodle that failure to complete assigned paperwork would result in a longer sentence, so the boys complied. Smarty Pants wasn’t worried about leaving for the day, he has served time at LSES for the past two years and a year at JCMES so he knew the drill. Renegade Doodle having never been in a vehicle without an immediate family member was hesitant to get onto a bus filled with strangers, so his mother carried him and placed him in his booster seat.
Mrs. Euglow a.k.a. The X Mom was sad to see the leaders go but underneath all her sadness was a bit of relief. Now that the older members would be gone all day certainly a few hours of relaxation could be enjoyed, or so she thought. It wasn’t long after Smarty Pants and Renegade Doodle’s departure until she realized young Scooter had been trained well.